Teacher Top Ten

sorry for the late post on b's excellent topic, teachers; i blame the delay on my broke ass.

TOP TEN teacher memories that may have messed me up just a little:

10. androgynous high school volleyball coach known just as "yengel" (like "prince" "madonna" or "yeti") called me "lead-butt o'brien" during suicide drills.

9. mr. gray, high school IPS teacher, pulled me aside and threatened to sue me for slander because he read "button your shirt, mr. gray is a pervert" written in pencil on my black lab desk. my friend kim wrote it, and when he went to show me, he couldn't find it. and, i think he meant libel.

8. senora fernandez cried in front of my honors spanish II class when she learned that eric beyer stole the midterm exam and we all had a party and memorized the answers. "how you do this to me?" if i wasn't sad for cheating, she broke my heart.

7. mrs. neumeier shamed me in seventh grade for jokingly kissing a boy. she grabbed my wrist hard and said, "i can't believe you did that!" i wanted to die for days. i recently saw mrs. neumeier in clearwater at a picnic. she said to my friend cate and me, "i have always LOVED you girls. i just LOVE you." she got up to wipe her eyes, and i looked at cate. "wasn't she really mean to us?" she laughed. and nodded.

6. in sixth grade, my science teacher mrs. golding intercepted a note i was trying to pass to my friend jannette. unfortunately, all the note said was "Mrs. Golding is UGLY!"

5. a favorite pastime of young parochial school children filing down the hall is to hold up one hand and make the peace sign in the little windows in the doors of classrooms. in first grade, my teacher mrs. donahue got tired of this one day and slammed her hand through the window. the glass shattered and her hand was all bloody. who puts these people in charge of small children?

4. as a senior i took anatomy with mr. gasper. he relentlessly picked on me. once we were discussing the hardware in the penis. he asked the class how the penis knows to release semen or urine, then he called on me (i did NOT raise my hand). i said, "um, there's a flap." he said, "oh, no, susie baby, the girls are the ones with the flaps!" i turned very red. and, there IS a flap. jackhole.

3. last night i had class with dr. blankety-blank. i don't know if it was my broke ass or his incredibly long, boring lecture, but i tried to slit my wrist with the edge of a page of tennyson's poetry.

2. mr. calise taught me eighth grade english. he made me love writing. in my yearbook (several pages after my ugly mug) he wrote, "you are a very talented writer. i'll be looking for you to win the pulitzer prize... you can do it!" is that why i'm here? oh, good gracious, i hope not. but, i did love mr. calise.

1. in freshman religion class, sister deborah told us if we were struggling with sexual desire, it is best to masturbate rather than sin outwardly with another. now that i think about it, she was always such a happy nun...