If I Were a Ghost

when i lived in clearwater there was a desolate street with a rundown, supposed haunted house near the end. the legend was, if you drove down this street at precisely midnight with your lights off, a female ghost (i guess an inhabitant of the house, i can't remember the specifics) would appear in front of your car. i never did this and can't say i know anyone who did, but it was enough to drive by the street in the daytime and imagine it might be true. i also never made it into the bathroom at midnight during a slumber party to say "bloody mary" three times and see a bloodied female ghost appear in the mirror. i was afraid it was true.

i watched plenty of "creature feature" as a kid (hosted by dr. paul bearer). i remember watching "13 ghosts" which was particularly scary, although all i remember is a scene where a man gets trapped in a canopy bed and the top closes in on him, crushing him to death. he screamed a lot. it was very unnerving. but equally unnerving was watching whoopi goldberg almost make out with demi moore. patrick swayze's ghost, while kind and attractive, still had this notion of "unfinished business" that seems to be associated with ghosts, perhaps a human invention that gives us hope we will have some kind of second chance to set things straight. haunting for haunting's sake seems unlikely; ghosts are either tormented by not having a home in the afterlife so they have nothing better to do than torment us, or they cannot go to their final resting place until they have completed some task or reparation.

if i were a ghost, i think i would be much too busy to waste my time scaring people. assuming my task could wait, i'd probably spend the first three days or so flying through walls. or just flying period. i'd go to disney world for free, ride all the rides, have an especially hearty ghostly chuckle in the haunted mansion. i might look up ex-boyfriends and spy on them, maybe pull their pants down in a public place, but nothing too sinister. i could hop a plane to almost anywhere, see the world, only aching at the fact i could not eat. and, i would not have to fear a plane crash or even snakes on a plane. i suppose i would eventually get back to my "task" of exposing my murderer or contacting my mother to tell her i love her because my last words were unkind, something about her speaking out of turn regarding how i rear my children. and, if i had a passionate love in my life who i wanted to kiss one more time, if i really loved him, i would spare him the unpleastry of having to make out with the male equivalent of whoopi goldberg.