These Boots Are Made For Walkin'

i wonder if a pair of nancy sinatra boots are hidden in this pile of rubbish. the pile reminds me of portobello road from bedknobs and broomsticks, anything and everything a chap can unload, but you have to be really dedicated to find gems among junk. but nancy sinatra boots would be gems, because i could put them on, zip them up, and start walkin'. where dorothy got no special power per se from wearing the ruby slippers, my boots would make me a bad-ass, and i could walk all over people. only bad people. people who make me cry. and the power in my boots would radiate up my body, into my hands so my finger could wag in faces, and my mouth would speak harsh truths i am normally too timid or fearful to say. yes, i think i will go the phillipines, find this pile, and dig for my boots.

if only i had a magic bed to fly me there.

(picture and topic furnished by mya)

In Emma We Trust

so emma is running for school treasurer.  this i love because a. it's super cute and b. i'm hoping she will be able to take over my finances by age 12.

my first suggestion for her campaign slogan was "i'll take kizzare of your kizzash" which she was not fond of.  i then suggested she henceforth refer to money as "benjamins" which she did not like either.  but when i suggested that she put her mug in the middle of green poster board with dollar signs in the corners and write "in emma we trust" i thought i'd struck gold for real.  she was hesitant.  in frustration i suggested "e. pluribus unum" and she left the room.

we decided on simplicity - line editing taught me that busyness detracts from the message.  so, after running all around town at 9pm trying to find play money, i finally found some at CVS (after 4 other stops) and her sign now reads EMMA LEE 4 TREA$URER.  The four is spelled out in fake coins, the poster is framed in fake bills, and her name is in tricked out florescent letters.  sweet.  she's very proud.

tomorrow we write her speech.  look out.

My Favorite Rumors

katie picked gossip.

i am okay if i am gossiped about. anyone who will talk to you about other people will talk about you to other people. i am okay with this. it's the way it works. perhaps this is because i have endured being the center of an entire community's gossip. one of my favorite rumors: i was pregnant by a black man, we were having twins, and then moving to london. perhaps this is why two weeks ago i had a very vivid dream that i was indeed the mother of black twins, girls, anna and rachel. i woke up very relieved that this was not reality. not because they were black, but as lawrence fishburne so eloquently put it in what's love got to do with it: "what am i gonna do wit two mo' kids?!"

i am a little proud to be the center of such a bizarre rumor. it's right up there with mikey from the life cereal commercials dying from eating pop rocks and drinking coke, alfonso ribiero breaking his neck breakdancing, and steve from blues clues dying of a drug overdose. and let's not forget the one about britney spears shaving her head and not wearing underwear in public... oh, wait.

so in light of this fantastic topic, i am going to start a new celebrity rumor: oprah is the antichrist.

pass it on.

I think I'm an Anti-Dentite

danielle chose dentists in the great topic revival.

it's not that i don't like the dentist. although most recently, while my mouth was propped open with a suction tube resting in my gums, my new dentist took the opportunity to share his political views, pentacostal policies, and fervor for the civil war and how the country would be so much better if the south had won.  he fell short of whistling dixie, but what better way to shove your beliefs down someone's throat than when her mouth is incapacitated and she owes you $900?

i told him stonewall jackson was my cousin in hopes of getting a discount but he just called for more suction and a different drill bit.

when i was young, getting a clean dental report card felt a bit like straight As (although i never got those until college).  no cavities!  good for you!  here's a free toothbrush and a toothy character nightlite.  but as i got older and my mother no longer scheduled my appointments, the dentist fell to the wayside, as did my dental health.  i think this is common.  that's what i tell myself anyway.

i mean, i don't have meth mouth.  (actually, the billboards in north carolina make me feel better about myself.)  but the shame of not going to the dentist made me not go the dentist, and so on and so forth, and on and on and on, and pain in my stomach when i thought about it, and fear of being shamed, and so on and so forth, and then severe pain i could no longer ignore, then a root canal.  and a few fillings.  and a cleaning procedure that my hygienist compared to pressure washing one's house.

so, $2500 later, i am proud to say i am back to straight As.  but i don't like going to the dentist, and i don't like the correlation between my dental health and my mental health.  i wish there were fillings for my brain.