Curse You, Chin-Up

... the kind you do in p.e. - not that sweet song that charlotte sings to wilbur.

i am fairly athletic and remember very much enjoying p.e. - it was like recess but with more structure. and orange cones. and red uniforms. but once a year, for one week, i did not enjoy p.e. - it was time for "physical fitness."

first, the class was divided into groups according to age; the red group with the older kids, the white group with the younger kids, and the green group with one kid - me. i was a full year younger than my classmates in school, and my standards for physical fitness testing were lower than theirs. this created sighs and dirty looks when they had to run 1.2 miles and i only had to run one. shut up, i thought, you will have boobs and a driver's license before me.

coaches stood over us with charts and clipboards, counting our sit-ups and timing our miles. i never did a single chin-up during physical fitness, but i grabbed the metal bar and pulled, turning red-faced and sputtering, my palms becoming red and chaffed. the clipboard carrying tyrant would utter futile encouragements while i hung there like a pathetic monkey with no hope of even doing a nose-up. i would drop to the ground humiliated, take my big fat zero, and move on to the metal pole climb where, once again, my lack of arm strength would bring me misery. i suppose there were benchmarks - certain things you should be able to do at a certain age. but i am now almost 33 and i still can't climb a pole or do chin-ups.

i reflect on this now, and wonder: wtf was up with physical fitness? what did it really matter how many chin-ups i could do? i've never given this information on any application of importance. it is not listed on my transcript next to my SAT scores. and, didn't they already know that fat sandy thurman would not be able to complete her mile in under 20 minutes? did they really need to test and humiliate her?

it would have been much more interesting if they would have measured, say, how many hot dogs we could eat in a single sitting on hot lunch day. or, more obscure talents like, jimmy mcknight can't do a single sit up, but he deftly picks up small objects with his toes. or, better yet, get sister therese marie's butt out of the principal's office and see how many chin-ups she can do. in her habit, of course.