He Loved Me Not

leave it to the poet to select unrequited love. thanks, sandra!

my eighth grade year, i fled the shelter of parochial schooling and attended palm harbor middle school. not only did the students not wear uniforms, but they made out in hallways, cussed a lot, and had food fights in the cafeteria. please know i did not stand in judgment of such shenanigans - it just shocked the pee out of me.

as if being forced into such strange surroundings wasn't enough, i was UGLY. now, you say, oh you were probably cute... but trust me. i didn't got no alibi - i was ugly. i had braces and a poorly growing out asymmetrical haircut. i think i dressed like a dork. i have a yearbook - i can prove it.

still, i was not without love interests. i set my heart on jimmy schimpf. in my twelve year old world, i LOVED him. and, he knew it. in graphics class, i carved a keychain that said "i love jimmy." in shop class, i made a wooden clock in the shape of a football helmet, and meticulously painted the washington redskins logo on it. i gave it to my dad. that is a side note, but this post is on unrequited love, right?

jimmy was my friend, but he never gave me a second glance for anything more. i thought of him, looked for him everywhere i went, daydreamed about the day he would ask me to be his girlfriend, and of course, kissing him, though such realities were foreign to me. at the end of the year dance, he asked me to dance. but don't get excited like i didn't- he was just a nice guy who knew i'd lasted all year with my heart on him. it was sort of like end of the year charity.

there is nothing quite like admiring someone and not being admired back; it tends to confirm low self-esteem and negative beliefs. it is rejection of the heart - i say, "here it is!" and he says, "um. no thanks." hope is the only thing... i kept hoping all year that jimmy would like me when he never would. i think there is some safety in that... liking the boy who you know will never like you. i'm not sure what i would have done if jimmy had returned my favor - i probably would have run and hid.

the next year, my hair grew out, i got highlights and my braces removed. i ran into jimmy at the football jamboree at his high school, and he did a double take and stopped to talk to me with great interest. he said maybe he'd call me. but it was too late. i'd moved on to matt sipera.

he didn't love me either.


see, i told you i was ugly.



oh, but look! so was jimmy.