A Reverse Gift Functional Christmas

whenever i used to ask my mother what she wanted for christmas or her birthday, she would respond with guilt-ridden demands like, "i just want you to keep your room clean; that would be the best gift ever." i'd scoff and get her a candle or something. that's much easier.

but since i am cash poor, i have been thinking about this concept - gift giving in the form of meaningful actions. but we are more likely to offer meaningful actions that require little more than the candle - a back rub, a day of cleaning, i'll write your paper for you. but what if on christmas morning, there was a santa hat filled with little wrapped boxes that contained paper. and the gift distributor would pull one out and say, "dad! it's for you!" and dad opens up the box and must read the paper aloud to all: i really wish you would stop being so critical of my boyfriend. love, gina. thus, dad's gift to gina is that he stops being so critical of her boyfriend. adam, you smell like a sick, old goat. please shower more and be sure to use soap. love, mom. arnold, when you call me a mexican it really hurts my feelings. please stop and compliment me more. love, natalie. you get the picture.

this solution makes christmas a cheap, loving, therapy session, in which everyone can give meaningful gifts that will work towards the ultimate wish for all, peace on earth. one family at a time.

a very burgess christmas

the list of reasons why i love kt burgess keeps growing. but why aren't we getting paid to do stuff like this??

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/US8Ka6hfqCLu6BXHvp8N

"In the mornings I write long circular journal entries when I wake up. Too early. Before work. But even though I am making steady proclamations about who I will go for next, and why, and how it will all be different, it is brutal to imagine the idea of meeting a new person. Going through the same routine. Saying the same phrases I have now said many times: the big statements, the grand revelations about my childhood and character. The cautious revealing of insecurities. I have said them already, and they sit now in the minds of those people who are out living lives I have no access to anymore. Awhile ago, this sharing was tremendous; now, the idea of facing a new person and speaking the same core sentences seems like a mistake, an error of integrity. Surely it is not good for my own mind to make myself into a speech like that. The only major untouched field of discussion will have to do with this feeling, this tiredness, this exact speech.

The next person I love, I will sit across from in silence. We will have to learn it from each other some other way."

http://www.nerve.com/fiction/benderaimee/onasaturdayafternoon/

Attention Bloggers!

As many of you know, Blogger.com has increased its traffic and users significantly over the past year, almost by 89.876%.  Due to this sudden increase in workload, the 8,943,234 employees at Google are unable to keep up with the hastening pace.

Blogger announced earlier today that they will be DELETING Blogger accounts beginning January 1, 2009 unless the user has LEFT A COMMENT ON THIS BLOG.  Your comment must include your childhood nickname, favorite kind of candy, and whether or not you are currently wearing socks (at the time of your comment, not this post).  And, if you are an ANONYMOUS commenter, BE AWARE - if you do not comment by January 1, 2009, your identity will be revealed and your anonymity will not be protected.

Hurry!  The clock is ticking.  Save your blog now.

Bonding

Why so morbid?

how fast could i have driven home today?  i dunno.  i think i've done it in 4:17.  why did it take six hours?  because people slow down to see the wreckage.

of course, my selfish mind said for a moment - gee, i hope this is a wreck instead of post-thanksgiving rushing home traffic so once we pass it the traffic will let up. but then i removed that wish from my brain - i'd rather have bumper to bumper traffic on I-85 than have someone gravely injured and/or dead.  once the tow truck and ambulance passed (in that order) i knew it was a wreck, and when the sirens were in my sight, i cringed.  not a good way for someone to end the holiday.

when we finally approached the wreck, it turned out to be a four car fender bender.  all cars were safely out of the traffic lanes.  no one seemed to be hurt.  a girl was cuddling her dog.  wtf?  everyone has to slow down to look.  this is our nature.  if we did not need to slow down and look, i could have been home 45 minutes earlier.

did i slow down and look?  heck yes.

Because it's worth writing these things down

i have started a new blog to celebrate the unique and odd and wonderful things that come out of trevor's mouth.

become a follower today!

If I Could Help It, I Would

finally - a topic about something i am good at. thanks, kara.

when i was little, my mother constantly yelled at me when we arrived at destinations (the grocery store, the library, etc.) because i hadn't put my shoes on in the car.  i would promise to, but i would inevitably wait until we got there and she would stand outside the car impatiently as i slowly tied my laces.  as i got older, my mother bought me mountain dew to keep me up the night before an english paper was due.  and now, it is the seventh of the month, and i have yet to pay my bills.  where is my mother? retired in the mountains as she should be.  after all, i am thirty-four.

i don't blame my mother's enabling of my procrastinating tendencies for my persisting issues.  it is a default property in my brain, my natural way of being, and no matter how i try, i cannot help it.  it is how i operate.  but despite my acceptance of my weakness, it still causes constant frustration and chaos, loss of sleep, heart palpitations.  and lectures from non-procrastinating "do it now" people make me want to drill a hole in my head.  a. i know all that already.  b. say it til you're blue in the face, i'm still going to wind up paying a late fee.  c. you don't have the procrastinating gene, so shut the hell up.  

perhaps some research will yield some scientific evidence of my theory, and i can claim procrastination as a disability and get a silver medical bracelet that says, "procrastinator.  please call my mother."  until then, i will have to settle for the gratifying fact that my procrastination keeps the public library (and blockbuster, and FSU, and gilchrist elementary) in business.  

These Boots Are Made For Walkin'

i wonder if a pair of nancy sinatra boots are hidden in this pile of rubbish. the pile reminds me of portobello road from bedknobs and broomsticks, anything and everything a chap can unload, but you have to be really dedicated to find gems among junk. but nancy sinatra boots would be gems, because i could put them on, zip them up, and start walkin'. where dorothy got no special power per se from wearing the ruby slippers, my boots would make me a bad-ass, and i could walk all over people. only bad people. people who make me cry. and the power in my boots would radiate up my body, into my hands so my finger could wag in faces, and my mouth would speak harsh truths i am normally too timid or fearful to say. yes, i think i will go the phillipines, find this pile, and dig for my boots.

if only i had a magic bed to fly me there.

(picture and topic furnished by mya)

In Emma We Trust

so emma is running for school treasurer.  this i love because a. it's super cute and b. i'm hoping she will be able to take over my finances by age 12.

my first suggestion for her campaign slogan was "i'll take kizzare of your kizzash" which she was not fond of.  i then suggested she henceforth refer to money as "benjamins" which she did not like either.  but when i suggested that she put her mug in the middle of green poster board with dollar signs in the corners and write "in emma we trust" i thought i'd struck gold for real.  she was hesitant.  in frustration i suggested "e. pluribus unum" and she left the room.

we decided on simplicity - line editing taught me that busyness detracts from the message.  so, after running all around town at 9pm trying to find play money, i finally found some at CVS (after 4 other stops) and her sign now reads EMMA LEE 4 TREA$URER.  The four is spelled out in fake coins, the poster is framed in fake bills, and her name is in tricked out florescent letters.  sweet.  she's very proud.

tomorrow we write her speech.  look out.

My Favorite Rumors

katie picked gossip.

i am okay if i am gossiped about. anyone who will talk to you about other people will talk about you to other people. i am okay with this. it's the way it works. perhaps this is because i have endured being the center of an entire community's gossip. one of my favorite rumors: i was pregnant by a black man, we were having twins, and then moving to london. perhaps this is why two weeks ago i had a very vivid dream that i was indeed the mother of black twins, girls, anna and rachel. i woke up very relieved that this was not reality. not because they were black, but as lawrence fishburne so eloquently put it in what's love got to do with it: "what am i gonna do wit two mo' kids?!"

i am a little proud to be the center of such a bizarre rumor. it's right up there with mikey from the life cereal commercials dying from eating pop rocks and drinking coke, alfonso ribiero breaking his neck breakdancing, and steve from blues clues dying of a drug overdose. and let's not forget the one about britney spears shaving her head and not wearing underwear in public... oh, wait.

so in light of this fantastic topic, i am going to start a new celebrity rumor: oprah is the antichrist.

pass it on.

I think I'm an Anti-Dentite

danielle chose dentists in the great topic revival.

it's not that i don't like the dentist. although most recently, while my mouth was propped open with a suction tube resting in my gums, my new dentist took the opportunity to share his political views, pentacostal policies, and fervor for the civil war and how the country would be so much better if the south had won.  he fell short of whistling dixie, but what better way to shove your beliefs down someone's throat than when her mouth is incapacitated and she owes you $900?

i told him stonewall jackson was my cousin in hopes of getting a discount but he just called for more suction and a different drill bit.

when i was young, getting a clean dental report card felt a bit like straight As (although i never got those until college).  no cavities!  good for you!  here's a free toothbrush and a toothy character nightlite.  but as i got older and my mother no longer scheduled my appointments, the dentist fell to the wayside, as did my dental health.  i think this is common.  that's what i tell myself anyway.

i mean, i don't have meth mouth.  (actually, the billboards in north carolina make me feel better about myself.)  but the shame of not going to the dentist made me not go the dentist, and so on and so forth, and on and on and on, and pain in my stomach when i thought about it, and fear of being shamed, and so on and so forth, and then severe pain i could no longer ignore, then a root canal.  and a few fillings.  and a cleaning procedure that my hygienist compared to pressure washing one's house.

so, $2500 later, i am proud to say i am back to straight As.  but i don't like going to the dentist, and i don't like the correlation between my dental health and my mental health.  i wish there were fillings for my brain. 

Sorry, Dear Gustav

Dear Gustav,

Thanks for you interest in visiting me – you are one among many suitors. While I am flattered, I must decline your invitation at this time. My areas are already flooded from previous relationships that didn’t work out (the others “moved on”) and I’m really not ready for your hurricane-force love. I am still trying to clean up the broken promises and shattered dreams that litter the yard of my heart.

Please understand. Perhaps if you veer out into the Atlantic and try again in another couple of weeks, things will be different. But for now, I ask that you please respect my wishes. I am a Category 5 in emotional instability.

Thanks and good luck,

Me

So Many Choices, So Little Deliciousness

i have not blogged since october 2007.  if you continue to check my blog, i apologize for your certain torture in viewing photoshopped photos of me, despite their burgess wonderfulness.

as of now, i've got a whole lotta nothin' - but, if my sweet friends are still interested, how about a weekly topic revival?

this week - food courts.